I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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