Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize