I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
