Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
