she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
