Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
