mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
