i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
