Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
