She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
