Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
