I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
