Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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