she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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