a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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