pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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