Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize