Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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