I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
false alarm, still single
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
