we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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