My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
