I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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