Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
