Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
