what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
