My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
