I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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