I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
