cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I am midnight drunk by noon
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
you made out with another girl for some wings
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
