And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
