I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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