If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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