Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
