at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
