if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize
