I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize