im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Randomize
