The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
