I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
