can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
