i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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