Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
