Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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