Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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