he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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