Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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