So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Randomize
