my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You ever have a fart follow you around?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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