I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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