she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
