Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
