This is not my ceiling
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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