I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
