Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
