kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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