I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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