Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Four minutes until I can fart!
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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