i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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