Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
