Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
home. puking in laundry basket.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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