We're facebook friends in real life
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
