you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize