i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
