If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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